Moving on

Yesterday I wrote a letter as a means to find closure to long-time issues with the person who gave birth to me and raised me. It took me a long time to write, and I debated how "public" I wanted to make it (meaning, do I 'share' it on Facebook or just leave it on the blog and the people who follow me would stumble upon it). I certainly didn't want to come off as looking for pity, or being dramatic (this is about as raw of an emotion I have ever displayed on here). I just needed the closure.

I've always known I am surrounded by amazing and wonderful family and friends. Not only did it help me to write some things out but I am so overwhelmed with the love and support shown in response. Your kind and encouraging words meant more than you'll ever know.

I don't know if I will ever have complete closure. There are still things I feel like I want or need to say and I will always have questions that I feel sure I'll never get answers to. There are things that, at least for awhile, I will struggle with.

I never want to be like her. I know that at least for awhile I will scrutinize every word I say, everything I do. I have already begun to do so as I go over the way I ended our last conversation we will ever have. I told her her wishes have been granted, and I hung up. I feel this is a very "Pam" way to handle something. And to turn my back on someone is her way, not mine. This makes me feel selfish. I know she needs help. But damn if I just can't take the back and forth anymore. And now I have 2 kids to think about as well. Not only does it affect me but the 'in and out' relationship affects them more. We work hard to provide a stable life and environment for them. I can't allow someone to come and go on a whim because things don't go her way, picking up the pieces and answering questions why they don't see her, why she doesn't call, etc. This isn't healthy for them.

I vow I will never treat my children as she has treated hers. They are not 'disposable', to be tossed aside as they grow up and make decisions I may or may not agree with. They are priceless gifts given to me from God. I have my life and I realize it is not a crime that it is not hers. Maybe some day she will grow to realize this, maybe not.

I know that with the love, strength and support from Mark, God and you...I can move forward with my life. This being said, I thank you. Truly and sincerely, from the whole of my heart. I pray I will never let you down.

With much love,
Amanda