A letter

Dear P,

To say a relationship between us hasn't been easy would be putting it lightly. I was never a bad kid growing up. I did my school work and got good grades. I never snuck out, I never skipped school or drank or did drugs. But as I have grown into an adult I seemed to have only let you down more.

I have learned over the years you are not the type of parent who encourages your children to grow, flourish and succeed, or take pride in our successes and achievements. You are not the type of parent who wishes better for her children than you had yourself. Each step we took towards adulthood only drove you further away.

You tried to hang on to us but we were not meant to stay, adding to your growing bitterness. We grew into adults and into lives of our own. Instead of being happy for us you become increasingly resentful. You say we have our own lives now with so much disgust in your voice, as if we committed an unspeakable crime. I asked you once if you expected us to just stay forever and your response was yes. You say you gave us everything, that we give you nothing in return and now you have nothing left to give. We never asked you for anything but a normal relationship.

You've ridiculed and publicly humiliated me on more than one occasion. You've turned your back on me more times than I can count. But this last time I demanded answers. I wanted to know why. I wanted to know why you think I am the cause for everything that goes wrong in your life, why you view me and think of me as the root of all evil. I demanded these answers but they never came. You asked me why I want a relationship with you. I told you that despite everything, I have always hung on to hope...the hope that you will get the help you need so maybe some day things could be as they should be.

You have told me you hope my children will never cut me out, and cause me pain as I have caused you. I can honestly say with 200% confidence that will never happen. I will never treat my children as you have treated me. I will never try to hold them back or turn my back on them. I will encourage them to succeed and grow. I will watch them turn into respectable adults with pride and joy. Their happiness is and always be my happiness. If there is anything you ever taught me it was how not to be. For that I thank you.

I asked you why you say and do the things you do. "To make you hate me so you will leave me alone" was your answer.

I've tried reaching out to you, not wanting to give up that hope I've hung on to for so many years. I have come to the conclusion I cannot help you. You do not want me. As much as this realization hurts, I must move on.

So that leads me to this letter. Maybe you'll read it some day, maybe you won't. I needed to write it because without the answers to the questions I have this may be the only closure I receive. I will always have questions, I will always wonder what I could have done differently to make you proud of me and the woman I have become instead of hating me so much. And as much as it hurts, you have turned your back on me and made me out to be a horrible human being for the last time. I pray you get the help you so desperately need.

Love,

A