Since last Wednesday I started feeling like I was feeling a little better. Not 100% but definitely an improvement from the last several weeks. I even mentioned to M it was the best I've felt in at least 6 weeks.
Today I feel like I was knocked back down again.
It doesn't seem to take much anymore. Today it as simple as a co-worker trash talking me to another co-worker and adding my boss to an email string questioning me on how I do my job. Or as she was insinuating, how I DON'T do my job. This has been happening a lot lately, various co-workers going to my boss complaining about me. As a matter of fact, this is the third Monday in a row this has happened.
I feel this is just one more thing to add to my ever growing list of things I have failed or disappointed someone.
My mother, whom I barely acknowledge as my mother anymore since I cut all ties with her last year. Especially since my parents' divorce she never saw me as anything other than someone to blame for everything that has gone wrong in her life. I even remember her being angry with me over something, grabbing me by the shirt and yelling into my face she should have had me aborted when she had the chance.
The rest of my family, for never finishing college, getting divorced and having a baby out of wedlock or whatever other transgressions I have made through life. It's hard to ignore the disappointment in their eyes. I am the black sheep of the family, the one no one thinks to call when something happens.
My ex, J. I could never seem to be smart enough, social enough, make enough money, thin enough, whatever.
M - He at least doesn't say things to me like J did. He has told me numerous time I am beautiful, or that he loves my body or that I'm smart. But I can't help but to go back to the three weeks he was gone in New York, yelling at me on the phone in front of co-workers, telling co-workers I was being shitty to him while he was gone, telling someone 'she's just insecure', trying to make himself feel better for doing something behind my back I had already asked him to stop doing.
To him I let small things ruin my day. I am supposed to tell him I am going to work on changing my mood instead of letting it consume me and 'ruining our evening', I need to just let things go.
How do you do that? I have years of things happening, one failure after another. I've had years of various people telling me I'm not good enough, years of trying to do things right and make people happy and live up to their expectations. Each time I just couldn't cut it. Every time I fall short. And the more you hear how shitty you are or add one more failure to your already long list of failures, it's pretty damn hard to not think there is something wrong with you. It's damn hard to not feel like the piece of shit disappointing failure.
It's hard. There's no one to talk to and I don't want to be a burden. Everyone is busy with their own lives anyways. I used to be able to sort this stuff out myself. I used to think I could give fairly decent advice. But now there is just too much and I can no longer sort it out.
I feel fucked up in the head. I feel like my 'mother'. I don't want to be like her, talked about being fucked up in the head. And now I'm sitting here wondering if the apple didn't fall far from the tree. It's scary to me, because I loathe her so much. I have tried so hard to not be like her. My closest friends tell me I'm not. I think they tell me that because they know I can't bear to hear that I am, they know how much I despise any kind of comparison of myself to her. I think they're hearts are in the right place by telling me that, trying to make me feel better. But I know better.
My sister told me once I am 'more like her than I realize.' She didn't mean it to be mean or hurtful. But it still cut pretty deep. The words have stuck with me, ringing louder and louder every time I try to talk about how I am feeling. Maybe if I stop talking it'll stop making it true. I don't want to talk anymore.
I don't know how to not be a failure, or a disappointment.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
A starving soul
Last Saturday was a particularly rough day for me. I spent the night before practically begging M to stay home from work with me. I promised to find a sitter so we could spend the day together just doing whatever. I just couldn't bear the thought of him being gone for 24 hours, fighting with anxiety from wondering what he's doing. Stupid, I know. He told me in the nicest way he knew how he couldn't call off. It's Christmas time, it was 24 hours of OT, he had to go. I know this...he has to work. I have to learn to relax.
Relaxing isn't so easy to do when you feel like your nerves are already wound so tight they are almost to the breaking point, then add two kids who for the life of them can't seem to leave each other alone. I felt like I was in a constant battle of them picking on each other, the 2 year old constantly screaming (as that seems to be his primary form of communication for every situation) then the 8 year old pushing and pushing until the 2 year old retaliates by hitting, kicking or biting then the 8 year old crying and tattling. ALL. DAY. LONG. I had plans for the day with them, things to keep them and me busy that didn't include TV or video games and didn't include me feeling like I was going out of my mind. Instead I spent the day breaking them up, yelling and going out of my mind. By the time they were in bed and I was free to go myself I was too exhausted to even fall asleep. No good.
Sunday morning came and after what I felt was the longest 24 hours of my life M was home. The kids respond better to him. We made breakfast together and ate together as a family. This actually happens often on Sundays for us. And despite my breakdowns from the day before M was so patient and loving to me.
After breakfast I got in the shower to start getting ready for church. I stood there for a few minutes, hot water washing over me, still exhausted from the disaster of the day before. I looked down at the drain and though "Please just melt me and wash me down the drain. I'm just no good anyways." My request went unanswered so I finished up and got out to finish getting ready.
Getting the kids ready for church went relatively smooth. Parenting is definitely easier when both parents are involved. They know not to mess with mom when DAD is around. I wish I knew why this is.
After dropping the kids off in their respective rooms we find seats and get ready for the service to begin. In front of us sat an older couple, I'm guessing in their 70's or 80's. The gentleman promptly shook our hands introducing himself and his wife to us and asking if this was our first time. "No," we say, "it's just been awhile since we've been able to come." We chatted until the songs started, him showing us pictures of their family when they were a young family, and a picture of him and his wife when they were younger. The pictures were black and white and faded and well loved. You could see him radiating with pride. M looked at me and said "that'll be us in 40 years." God I hope so. I can't imagine ever being with anyone else.
As the lead singer started with opening prayer M grabbed my hand, put his forehead to mine and started praying aloud. I won't say what he prayed for because it's a bit personal but I will say the tears fell freely from my eyes. I will hold his prayer in my heart forever. He looked up, wiped my tears and asked why I was crying. I couldn't answer. He just held me close and said "Please don't cry, baby... I love you so much." I managed to tell him I love him too.
The rest of the service was great and of course more tears from me (it's kind of just how I roll these days, emotions all over the place). I felt like the message was specific for us. It felt so good to be in church it made me hang my head in shame. It's been a long time since we've been able to attend. The shame comes from not even having any good excuses as to why. Being there on Sunday made me realize my soul was starving, and made me crave going back to feed it more. With a really good service and the prayers spoken by my husband, I felt like I was handed a lifeline to hold when I'm having down days.
The rest of the day was spent together as a family at Bronner's, visiting Santa and picking out ornaments for our tree. It was nice, and for the first time in awhile I felt like some of the fog had cleared. This fog sucks. It weighs me down makes me not able to see clearly. I hope to have more days like this to make it clear more and more until there is no more fog.
Relaxing isn't so easy to do when you feel like your nerves are already wound so tight they are almost to the breaking point, then add two kids who for the life of them can't seem to leave each other alone. I felt like I was in a constant battle of them picking on each other, the 2 year old constantly screaming (as that seems to be his primary form of communication for every situation) then the 8 year old pushing and pushing until the 2 year old retaliates by hitting, kicking or biting then the 8 year old crying and tattling. ALL. DAY. LONG. I had plans for the day with them, things to keep them and me busy that didn't include TV or video games and didn't include me feeling like I was going out of my mind. Instead I spent the day breaking them up, yelling and going out of my mind. By the time they were in bed and I was free to go myself I was too exhausted to even fall asleep. No good.
Sunday morning came and after what I felt was the longest 24 hours of my life M was home. The kids respond better to him. We made breakfast together and ate together as a family. This actually happens often on Sundays for us. And despite my breakdowns from the day before M was so patient and loving to me.
After breakfast I got in the shower to start getting ready for church. I stood there for a few minutes, hot water washing over me, still exhausted from the disaster of the day before. I looked down at the drain and though "Please just melt me and wash me down the drain. I'm just no good anyways." My request went unanswered so I finished up and got out to finish getting ready.
Getting the kids ready for church went relatively smooth. Parenting is definitely easier when both parents are involved. They know not to mess with mom when DAD is around. I wish I knew why this is.
After dropping the kids off in their respective rooms we find seats and get ready for the service to begin. In front of us sat an older couple, I'm guessing in their 70's or 80's. The gentleman promptly shook our hands introducing himself and his wife to us and asking if this was our first time. "No," we say, "it's just been awhile since we've been able to come." We chatted until the songs started, him showing us pictures of their family when they were a young family, and a picture of him and his wife when they were younger. The pictures were black and white and faded and well loved. You could see him radiating with pride. M looked at me and said "that'll be us in 40 years." God I hope so. I can't imagine ever being with anyone else.
As the lead singer started with opening prayer M grabbed my hand, put his forehead to mine and started praying aloud. I won't say what he prayed for because it's a bit personal but I will say the tears fell freely from my eyes. I will hold his prayer in my heart forever. He looked up, wiped my tears and asked why I was crying. I couldn't answer. He just held me close and said "Please don't cry, baby... I love you so much." I managed to tell him I love him too.
The rest of the service was great and of course more tears from me (it's kind of just how I roll these days, emotions all over the place). I felt like the message was specific for us. It felt so good to be in church it made me hang my head in shame. It's been a long time since we've been able to attend. The shame comes from not even having any good excuses as to why. Being there on Sunday made me realize my soul was starving, and made me crave going back to feed it more. With a really good service and the prayers spoken by my husband, I felt like I was handed a lifeline to hold when I'm having down days.
The rest of the day was spent together as a family at Bronner's, visiting Santa and picking out ornaments for our tree. It was nice, and for the first time in awhile I felt like some of the fog had cleared. This fog sucks. It weighs me down makes me not able to see clearly. I hope to have more days like this to make it clear more and more until there is no more fog.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
A struggle
The last several weeks have been filled with struggles for me. So much so I couldn't even finish my 30 Days of Thankfulness. I know I have plenty of things to be thankful for but I just became so consumed by the things I wish I didn't have to deal with everything else started to dim in comparison.
The 3 weeks my husband was gone in New York doing Super Storm Sandy rescues were difficult for me to deal with. Yes I was working full time, taking care of two kids, two animals and our home. It was a lot at times but honestly not as big a deal as it seems. All of that was nothing compared to the frequent lack of communication due to downed cell phone towers and how much I just missed him and worried about his safety. I had a great support system of friends but it wasn't the same as having my husband home with me.
The distance caused tension. My sadness over his absence was misinterpreted. It caused arguments, causing the pain I felt to grow. More often than not I would lay in bed and cry. I've never been one for suicide, I've had too many experiences with it. But I sure did talk to God and tell him I was good with being pulled from the earth now. One of the other struggles I was coping with was my purpose in this world. I started feeling pretty broken. I'm not doing anyone any good like this, so what's the point?
I thought I have dealt with depression before. But once you start asking God for an 'early dismissal' you realize what you went through was nothing...this is the real deal.
When I received the call Mark was coming home I felt things lift. I thought for sure my sadness was directly and solely linked to him being gone and everything would go back to normal once he was home.
It only took a couple of weeks of having him back home before I realized that wasn't the case. Secrets were discovered that rocked my world...and not in the way one wants their world rocked. Everything felt upside down and inside out.
I debated for a long time writing a blog post about what is happening. I'm not comfortable with just freely airing our personal "dirty laundry" for the internet world to read, but I need an outlet of sorts. To do this on 'common ground' I am not going to share these posts. I will also leave out the details, it is still just too personal. Maybe some day that won't be the case.
The last week has been very difficult. Some days are better than others. I have a lot of questions I may not ever get answers to. At this point I need to accept that and just move on. I'm working on me, he is working him and we are working on rediscovering each other. We are going to do counseling through our church and focus on putting more faith, trust and our marriage in God. Our foundation may have crumbled but we are going to piece it back together with God's help, making it stronger.
Things have been tough and the pain is deep, but it is fixable. I know we will get through it, and come out stronger in the end. He is my soul mate, the one I am meant to be with forever. I'm not willing to just give up and throw that away.
The 3 weeks my husband was gone in New York doing Super Storm Sandy rescues were difficult for me to deal with. Yes I was working full time, taking care of two kids, two animals and our home. It was a lot at times but honestly not as big a deal as it seems. All of that was nothing compared to the frequent lack of communication due to downed cell phone towers and how much I just missed him and worried about his safety. I had a great support system of friends but it wasn't the same as having my husband home with me.
The distance caused tension. My sadness over his absence was misinterpreted. It caused arguments, causing the pain I felt to grow. More often than not I would lay in bed and cry. I've never been one for suicide, I've had too many experiences with it. But I sure did talk to God and tell him I was good with being pulled from the earth now. One of the other struggles I was coping with was my purpose in this world. I started feeling pretty broken. I'm not doing anyone any good like this, so what's the point?
I thought I have dealt with depression before. But once you start asking God for an 'early dismissal' you realize what you went through was nothing...this is the real deal.
When I received the call Mark was coming home I felt things lift. I thought for sure my sadness was directly and solely linked to him being gone and everything would go back to normal once he was home.
It only took a couple of weeks of having him back home before I realized that wasn't the case. Secrets were discovered that rocked my world...and not in the way one wants their world rocked. Everything felt upside down and inside out.
I debated for a long time writing a blog post about what is happening. I'm not comfortable with just freely airing our personal "dirty laundry" for the internet world to read, but I need an outlet of sorts. To do this on 'common ground' I am not going to share these posts. I will also leave out the details, it is still just too personal. Maybe some day that won't be the case.
The last week has been very difficult. Some days are better than others. I have a lot of questions I may not ever get answers to. At this point I need to accept that and just move on. I'm working on me, he is working him and we are working on rediscovering each other. We are going to do counseling through our church and focus on putting more faith, trust and our marriage in God. Our foundation may have crumbled but we are going to piece it back together with God's help, making it stronger.
Things have been tough and the pain is deep, but it is fixable. I know we will get through it, and come out stronger in the end. He is my soul mate, the one I am meant to be with forever. I'm not willing to just give up and throw that away.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
30 Days of Thankfulness, days 10, 11, 12, 13 and 14
Day 10 - Today I am thankful for a fun visit with amazing friends. It has been too long and that needs to be changed. Another great visit with my sis in law, niece and nephew; a huge hug from Gabe as he ran up to me at the door and Kadie reading to me.
I had to deliver some orders in Saginaw. It started with meeting my sister for lunch, which I always love doing and am always thankful for every little bit of time I get to spend with her.
One of my stops was to see my dear friend Nissa and her mom and brother. We've known each other since Niss and I were in 7th grade. I absolutely adore this family and cannot allow so much time to pass until we visit again.
I also had to stop to see my sister-in-law. As soon as I walked in the door my Bubbie ran up to me and gave me a huge hug. That will NEVER get old. My Kadie-boo also let me braid her hair and then she read me a story. I love those kids SO much...I am so thankful I get to be their aunt.
Day 11- I am thankful to the veterans, past, present and future who have fought hard and continue to fight for our freedom. I'm proud of three servicemen in my life, my cousin Barry, brother in law Bill and brother in law Dave. I am also thankful for a relaxed morning with my boys, some good snuggle time and giggles with my baby niece Roxy, and now some one on one time with Parker watching Finding Bigfoot (even though I think the guys on this show are morons, he's really into it so its cool).
It was Veterans Day. I am always thankful to those who put their rears on the line serving to protect our rights and provide a safe country for my kids to grow up in.
The boys and I are always on the go so this morning we just took it easy. It was so nice to just have a relaxed morning with them.
In the afternoon we went to a birthday party where I finally was able to get some good snuggle time and giggles and smiles with my baby niece Roxana. She's already 4 months old so I'm taking all the smiles and giggles I can possibly get and storing them in my little happy place of things that warm my heart.
The evening ended with Camden going to bed early and Parker and I getting some one on one time. He wanted to watch this Finding Bigfoot show on TV and boy was he really into it. I personally don't believe in Bigfoot and kind of thought these guys were morons but he loved it and I loved the time with him. That's all I need, even if it involves a mythical creature.
Day 12 - I am thankful for Alicia. I could never be thankful enough for her always being there for me, loving me despite my faults and never judging.
We have been friends for 12 1/2 years now. She is my one, as far as friends are concerned. I can't ever see my life without her in it. We always joke we will grow old and grey together, except it isn't a complete joke. I know she is always by my side, as I am hers. She is my soul mate of friends.
Day 13 - I am thankful for g-chats with Nikki, a comforting hug from Parker when I am stressed, Ashley's return home and making pumpkin bread with Parker.
I always love the g-chats I have with Nikki. Sometimes they are quick but always a nice break in the day and we generally have good laughs.
After getting home from work and daycare Camden was being....well, a 2 year old little boy. For a minute I just stood in the hallway with my head in my hands, tears threatening to fall and feeling completely exhausted and like a failure. All of a sudden Parker's arms were around me and my sweet little boy was comforting me. He didn't say a word, just hugged me for a minute.
After dinner Parker and I made homemade pumpkin bread. It turned out pretty tasty and he couldn't wait to take some in his lunch the next day for school. I think he had fun imagining the ways his classmates would be envious over his tasty treat. :)
My friend Ashley was also finally sent home from a long mission in New York. I am thankful for her safe return.
Day 14 - I am thankful for Emergen-C and cold and flu medicine so I can try and kick this crud quick. I am also thankful for the very generous donations made today for St. Jude's.
Apparently someone thought I needed a cold on top of everything else right now. This I am NOT thankful for! However, I am thankful to the persons who invented Emergen-C and Thera-flu cold medicine so I can hopefully bounce back quick.
Donna's Warriors received some very generous donations...There are no words that can express the gratitude I feel. I strongly believe in St. Jude's and the amazing work they do to fight pediatric cancer.
The walk is this coming Saturday, so it's not too late to donate! :)
I had to deliver some orders in Saginaw. It started with meeting my sister for lunch, which I always love doing and am always thankful for every little bit of time I get to spend with her.
One of my stops was to see my dear friend Nissa and her mom and brother. We've known each other since Niss and I were in 7th grade. I absolutely adore this family and cannot allow so much time to pass until we visit again.
I also had to stop to see my sister-in-law. As soon as I walked in the door my Bubbie ran up to me and gave me a huge hug. That will NEVER get old. My Kadie-boo also let me braid her hair and then she read me a story. I love those kids SO much...I am so thankful I get to be their aunt.
Day 11- I am thankful to the veterans, past, present and future who have fought hard and continue to fight for our freedom. I'm proud of three servicemen in my life, my cousin Barry, brother in law Bill and brother in law Dave. I am also thankful for a relaxed morning with my boys, some good snuggle time and giggles with my baby niece Roxy, and now some one on one time with Parker watching Finding Bigfoot (even though I think the guys on this show are morons, he's really into it so its cool).
It was Veterans Day. I am always thankful to those who put their rears on the line serving to protect our rights and provide a safe country for my kids to grow up in.
The boys and I are always on the go so this morning we just took it easy. It was so nice to just have a relaxed morning with them.
In the afternoon we went to a birthday party where I finally was able to get some good snuggle time and giggles and smiles with my baby niece Roxana. She's already 4 months old so I'm taking all the smiles and giggles I can possibly get and storing them in my little happy place of things that warm my heart.
The evening ended with Camden going to bed early and Parker and I getting some one on one time. He wanted to watch this Finding Bigfoot show on TV and boy was he really into it. I personally don't believe in Bigfoot and kind of thought these guys were morons but he loved it and I loved the time with him. That's all I need, even if it involves a mythical creature.
Day 12 - I am thankful for Alicia. I could never be thankful enough for her always being there for me, loving me despite my faults and never judging.
We have been friends for 12 1/2 years now. She is my one, as far as friends are concerned. I can't ever see my life without her in it. We always joke we will grow old and grey together, except it isn't a complete joke. I know she is always by my side, as I am hers. She is my soul mate of friends.
Day 13 - I am thankful for g-chats with Nikki, a comforting hug from Parker when I am stressed, Ashley's return home and making pumpkin bread with Parker.
I always love the g-chats I have with Nikki. Sometimes they are quick but always a nice break in the day and we generally have good laughs.
After getting home from work and daycare Camden was being....well, a 2 year old little boy. For a minute I just stood in the hallway with my head in my hands, tears threatening to fall and feeling completely exhausted and like a failure. All of a sudden Parker's arms were around me and my sweet little boy was comforting me. He didn't say a word, just hugged me for a minute.
After dinner Parker and I made homemade pumpkin bread. It turned out pretty tasty and he couldn't wait to take some in his lunch the next day for school. I think he had fun imagining the ways his classmates would be envious over his tasty treat. :)
My friend Ashley was also finally sent home from a long mission in New York. I am thankful for her safe return.
Day 14 - I am thankful for Emergen-C and cold and flu medicine so I can try and kick this crud quick. I am also thankful for the very generous donations made today for St. Jude's.
Apparently someone thought I needed a cold on top of everything else right now. This I am NOT thankful for! However, I am thankful to the persons who invented Emergen-C and Thera-flu cold medicine so I can hopefully bounce back quick.
Donna's Warriors received some very generous donations...There are no words that can express the gratitude I feel. I strongly believe in St. Jude's and the amazing work they do to fight pediatric cancer.
The walk is this coming Saturday, so it's not too late to donate! :)
Friday, November 9, 2012
30 Days of Thankfulness, days 8 and 9
30 Days of Thankfulness, day 8 (I forgot to post yesterday) - I am thankful for my daddy. He wasn't able to be there much when we were growing up but I am SO thankful for the last 7 years and I look forward to more.
I don't really have many memories of doing things with my dad when I was growing up. He was a heavy alcoholic. I wasn't a daddy's girl and there were no daddy-daughter dances.
A little more than 7 years ago my dad ended up in the hospital. I was never told what exactly happened but all I know is it was life changing. After roughly 2 months in the hospital, a few close calls where we thought he was going to slip away from us, he was discharged and has been sober ever since.
The last 7 years have been great as my dad and I have established a relationship. We call each other just to chat and I know he is there if I ever need anything.
I love having my dad.
I don't really have many memories of doing things with my dad when I was growing up. He was a heavy alcoholic. I wasn't a daddy's girl and there were no daddy-daughter dances.
A little more than 7 years ago my dad ended up in the hospital. I was never told what exactly happened but all I know is it was life changing. After roughly 2 months in the hospital, a few close calls where we thought he was going to slip away from us, he was discharged and has been sober ever since.
The last 7 years have been great as my dad and I have established a relationship. We call each other just to chat and I know he is there if I ever need anything.
I love having my dad.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
30 Days of Thankfulness, days 6 and 7
30 Days of Thankfulness, day 6 - I am thankful the election is over, for conversations with Parker that challenge me as a mom but make me laugh, for one of my best friends Pamela, who always has the ability to make me laugh even when nothing else can and for the kind words spoken to me by my husband on my timeline.
- Ok, who isn't thankful the election is over?? I'm not a very political person to begin with but oh my word the campaign ads on TV were becoming obnoxiously ridiculous. Now we get to hear and read for how long about the results of the election...meaning, people complaining Obama was re-elected. He wasn't my choice either but hey, it is what it is. I say we all just pray like crazy because Lord knows Obama and this country need it.
- Pamela - I've been friends with her for several years now. And let me tell you, she is awesome. Even though she lives in Florida she is always only ever a phone call away. She has an amazing sense of humor and seriously, no matter what the situation, she ALWAYS makes me laugh. I called her in tears the night Mark left for the east coast. She had me laughing by the time we said good-bye.
- Mark - Well, I'm always thankful for him. But on day 6 he posted this to me on my facebook:
While your doing all 30 days I thankfulness, I got to thinkin, 10 reasons I love you.
1. Your smile, it literally lights up a room
2. Your stunning eyes. That pierce me to the core and comfort me
3. Your my best friend. We talk, and tell eachother everything.
4. Your my total opposite. And that's great bc we keep eachother in check
5. We are totally alike. Same interests, and hobbies
6. Your self...
1. Your smile, it literally lights up a room
2. Your stunning eyes. That pierce me to the core and comfort me
3. Your my best friend. We talk, and tell eachother everything.
4. Your my total opposite. And that's great bc we keep eachother in check
5. We are totally alike. Same interests, and hobbies
6. Your self...
less. Even working a 45 hour week, taking care of 2 demons, you still find time to raise money for a cause u are passionate about
7. Your pride. You take pride in everything u do from vacuuming, to taking care of our babies
8. Best. Mom. Ever.
9. Best. Wife. Ever.
10. Bc you love me back. I'm hard to love at times, and appreciate the fact through everything I put u through, you are still by my side, supporting me. I love you Amanda. To the moon.
7. Your pride. You take pride in everything u do from vacuuming, to taking care of our babies
8. Best. Mom. Ever.
9. Best. Wife. Ever.
10. Bc you love me back. I'm hard to love at times, and appreciate the fact through everything I put u through, you are still by my side, supporting me. I love you Amanda. To the moon.
*********
Day 7 - I am thankful for our daycare girl, Jen. She takes awesome care of my boys.
Let me tell you, this woman is amazing. I've written a blog post solely about her before, but singing her praises always bears repeating. She takes such great care of the boys and they adore her. Particularly Camden, since Parker is usually in school. I know when I leave the most precious things I have in her care in the mornings it is one less thing I have to worry about throughout the day. Especially right now while Mark is gone.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
30 Days of Thankfulness, days 3, 4 and 5
Catching up on my 30 Days of Thankfulness....
Day 3 - I am thankful I had the opportunity to have some quality girl time doing retail therapy with one of my best friends.
Camden and I headed to Indiana Friday evening. Even though the trip had been planned for about 2 months it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. With everything that has been going on it was nice to get away even just for a couple of days. Nikki and I did EIGHT hours of shopping on Saturday while Matt so kindly volunteered to watch Camden for me. We laughed and had great chats all day long. It was such a perfect distraction.
Day 3 - I am thankful I had the opportunity to have some quality girl time doing retail therapy with one of my best friends.
Camden and I headed to Indiana Friday evening. Even though the trip had been planned for about 2 months it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. With everything that has been going on it was nice to get away even just for a couple of days. Nikki and I did EIGHT hours of shopping on Saturday while Matt so kindly volunteered to watch Camden for me. We laughed and had great chats all day long. It was such a perfect distraction.
At one point in our shopping we both grabbed the same sweater off the rack to try on (at separate times). As Nikki says... "Fabulous minds think alike!" haha!
Day 4 - I am thankful for the sweet smile, hugs, smooches and precious giggles of my baby boy. He knows how to brighten my day.
Camden and I were home early enough on Sunday to still hang out and play. I'm not really much for wrestling but I love tickling him. This kid seriously has the BEST giggle, it is infectious. And when his smile is so big it reaches his eyes, it reaches my heart.
Day 5 - I am thankful for my babies. I love their hugs and kisses, and snuggle time with bedtime stories and ice cream.
Last night was a pretty low-key night. For the first time in what feels like a long time I was finally able to sit down and relax with my babes. We snuggled on the couch, ate ice cream and watched a bit of TV. During this time Parker gives me plenty of kisses and hugs and I love you's. There's no such thing as a bad day in this world.
Friday, November 2, 2012
30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 2
Today I am even more thankful for God and the power of prayer.
I know my faith in God and the power of prayer is what pulls me through the toughest of times. I know God is watching over all of the first responders who are working hard to evacuate people who were hit so hard by Sandy, protecting them from harm.
I know God will be hard at work mending the broken hearts of so many people gathering today to say final goodbyes to a wonderful man gone far too soon from this earth. He will always keep a watchful eye over those Pat left behind.
I am thankful for the power of prayer, as I have personally witnessed how it works. I will always pray for Pat and his family, that they find peace, and I continue to pray for Mark and the other medics' safe return home.
I know my faith in God and the power of prayer is what pulls me through the toughest of times. I know God is watching over all of the first responders who are working hard to evacuate people who were hit so hard by Sandy, protecting them from harm.
I know God will be hard at work mending the broken hearts of so many people gathering today to say final goodbyes to a wonderful man gone far too soon from this earth. He will always keep a watchful eye over those Pat left behind.
I am thankful for the power of prayer, as I have personally witnessed how it works. I will always pray for Pat and his family, that they find peace, and I continue to pray for Mark and the other medics' safe return home.
30 days of thankfulness - Day 1
The last couple of years I have been seeing people do a 30 Days of Thankfulness through the month of November. Yesterday was November 1st and with everything that has been going on around me I thought it would be a good idea to join in on this. I think sometimes people need to look at the things they do have, rather than what they don't have. Myself included.
It's been a tough week. Last week Saturday morning on my way to work the job I love I received a phone call from a friend notifying another friend of ours took his own life. I was stunned and hurt, I just couldn't believe it. This man was an awesome father and friend. Always smiling and being goofy, doing whatever to make other people smile and laugh. Still today, a week later I look at his pictures and cannot wrap my head around it. My heart aches for him and the pain he was in and for his 2 kids he left behind. I will pray for them every day.
Two days later Mark was deployed to the east coast to help with the hurricane rescue efforts. He has been in New York since Tuesday evacuating hospitals and nursing homes that still have no power. He is a hero and I am so proud of him, my sweet friend Ashley and their colleagues for doing what they are doing.
So for my first day of Thankfulness I am thankful for my close friends and sister. I have been receiving so many sweet and supportive words from them. I firmly believe they give me far more credit than I deserve but their kind words have been encouraging to me as I push forward taking care of the boys, the house and being strong and supportive for my husband. The words "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming" from Dory in Finding Nemo have been running through my head all week. Thank you for boosting me up so I can keep my head above water and keep on swimming.
It's been a tough week. Last week Saturday morning on my way to work the job I love I received a phone call from a friend notifying another friend of ours took his own life. I was stunned and hurt, I just couldn't believe it. This man was an awesome father and friend. Always smiling and being goofy, doing whatever to make other people smile and laugh. Still today, a week later I look at his pictures and cannot wrap my head around it. My heart aches for him and the pain he was in and for his 2 kids he left behind. I will pray for them every day.
Two days later Mark was deployed to the east coast to help with the hurricane rescue efforts. He has been in New York since Tuesday evacuating hospitals and nursing homes that still have no power. He is a hero and I am so proud of him, my sweet friend Ashley and their colleagues for doing what they are doing.
So for my first day of Thankfulness I am thankful for my close friends and sister. I have been receiving so many sweet and supportive words from them. I firmly believe they give me far more credit than I deserve but their kind words have been encouraging to me as I push forward taking care of the boys, the house and being strong and supportive for my husband. The words "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming" from Dory in Finding Nemo have been running through my head all week. Thank you for boosting me up so I can keep my head above water and keep on swimming.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Making a difference...or at least trying
It is September, Childhood Cancer Awareness month. Raising awareness and money for this amazing cause is well underway!!! ...sort of.
Donna's Warriors is going back for a 2nd year for the St. Jude's Give Thanks walk in November. Because I knew to watch for it this time, as soon as I saw the date I went into action getting our team registered and thinking up various ways to raise money. I invited friends and family to walk and had a great response at first, 15 people saying they want to walk! That would make our team bigger than last year, I was so excited! Only a very small handful of that 15 have actually gone to the website and registered. No big deal, we can do this with or without a large group of people who feel compelled to help make a difference, right?
At the start of September I posted the link on Facebook and sent an email to several co-workers to kick of Childhood Cancer Awareness month. It seemed fitting and appropriate and I had hoped a great way to kick off fundraising. I posted on the invite several times trying to encourage people to go to the site to register. I've asked if anyone wanted fundraising ideas. Nothing. I could hear crickets with the silence I received in response.
My friend Missy is also on the team. She is the one that introduced me to Donna's Cancer Story last year, the story and inspiration behind our team. She works at Bennigan's and they offered to hold a fundraiser for our team. She set a date and created a flyer. Bennigans will donate 20% of your bill if you present this flyer. She even had gold silicone bracelets made up for the event, free with a donation. I created another invite, posted the flyer all over Facebook (social media is great, isn't it??) and scattered several flyers all over work for people to grab up. People eat good food and donate to a great cause all at once, what a great idea! Surely this will appeal to people! So far the response I have received on my end has been mediocre at best. I am still holding out hope for an amazing turn out.
Each time I have posted our link or the flyers for Bennigan's I have asked people to please share. I have found one of the best ways to advertise is by word of mouth. It is so easy to do and doesn't cost anything. Registering for the walk is also FREE.
September seems to have been overtaken by a sea of pink already. Yes, Breast Cancer awareness is October. But it also goes on all year long. People get so wrapped up in all the cute pink ribbons and cute sayings like "Save the Ta-Ta's!" and "Save 2nd Base!" Did you know there's a good chance the "pink" stuff you are buying, thinking you are helping to donate to the cause doesn't actually go towards Breast Cancer research? Pediatric Cancer doesn't have these cute little gimmicks to get people to act. All that is asked for is people to stand up and be a voice for the babes affected by this horrible disease. Don't get me wrong, cancer is a BEAST no matter what the form is. And I am not saying I am against raising money and awareness for Breast Cancer research, as both my grandmother and my aunt are survivors. But when 12% of funds are being donated to Breast Cancer and a measly 3% to Pediatric Cancer...where is the fair and even distribution? That being said, it would be nice if Breast Cancer took a break for a month so some sick kids get a fair shot at a future. One month. It's all they ask for.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am sure this is coming off like I am whining, I promise I am not. I am merely one small person so passionate about this cause and doing what I can to make a difference venting some frustrations. I don't expect people to be as passionate, I understand it isn't everyone's gig. But what does a girl have to do to get just a tiny bit of acknowledgment someone is listening? Or a glimmer of someone who is just a tiny bit interested in helping but maybe feels like it is too hard to see kids sick and suffering? It is hard. But knowing you are doing what you can to help make a difference makes it worth it, it is an amazing feeling! I am very grateful for the little bit I have accomplished and while it feels disheartening at times, I remain hopeful for more.
Donna's Warriors is going back for a 2nd year for the St. Jude's Give Thanks walk in November. Because I knew to watch for it this time, as soon as I saw the date I went into action getting our team registered and thinking up various ways to raise money. I invited friends and family to walk and had a great response at first, 15 people saying they want to walk! That would make our team bigger than last year, I was so excited! Only a very small handful of that 15 have actually gone to the website and registered. No big deal, we can do this with or without a large group of people who feel compelled to help make a difference, right?
At the start of September I posted the link on Facebook and sent an email to several co-workers to kick of Childhood Cancer Awareness month. It seemed fitting and appropriate and I had hoped a great way to kick off fundraising. I posted on the invite several times trying to encourage people to go to the site to register. I've asked if anyone wanted fundraising ideas. Nothing. I could hear crickets with the silence I received in response.
My friend Missy is also on the team. She is the one that introduced me to Donna's Cancer Story last year, the story and inspiration behind our team. She works at Bennigan's and they offered to hold a fundraiser for our team. She set a date and created a flyer. Bennigans will donate 20% of your bill if you present this flyer. She even had gold silicone bracelets made up for the event, free with a donation. I created another invite, posted the flyer all over Facebook (social media is great, isn't it??) and scattered several flyers all over work for people to grab up. People eat good food and donate to a great cause all at once, what a great idea! Surely this will appeal to people! So far the response I have received on my end has been mediocre at best. I am still holding out hope for an amazing turn out.
Each time I have posted our link or the flyers for Bennigan's I have asked people to please share. I have found one of the best ways to advertise is by word of mouth. It is so easy to do and doesn't cost anything. Registering for the walk is also FREE.
September seems to have been overtaken by a sea of pink already. Yes, Breast Cancer awareness is October. But it also goes on all year long. People get so wrapped up in all the cute pink ribbons and cute sayings like "Save the Ta-Ta's!" and "Save 2nd Base!" Did you know there's a good chance the "pink" stuff you are buying, thinking you are helping to donate to the cause doesn't actually go towards Breast Cancer research? Pediatric Cancer doesn't have these cute little gimmicks to get people to act. All that is asked for is people to stand up and be a voice for the babes affected by this horrible disease. Don't get me wrong, cancer is a BEAST no matter what the form is. And I am not saying I am against raising money and awareness for Breast Cancer research, as both my grandmother and my aunt are survivors. But when 12% of funds are being donated to Breast Cancer and a measly 3% to Pediatric Cancer...where is the fair and even distribution? That being said, it would be nice if Breast Cancer took a break for a month so some sick kids get a fair shot at a future. One month. It's all they ask for.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am sure this is coming off like I am whining, I promise I am not. I am merely one small person so passionate about this cause and doing what I can to make a difference venting some frustrations. I don't expect people to be as passionate, I understand it isn't everyone's gig. But what does a girl have to do to get just a tiny bit of acknowledgment someone is listening? Or a glimmer of someone who is just a tiny bit interested in helping but maybe feels like it is too hard to see kids sick and suffering? It is hard. But knowing you are doing what you can to help make a difference makes it worth it, it is an amazing feeling! I am very grateful for the little bit I have accomplished and while it feels disheartening at times, I remain hopeful for more.
This is a plea. Be a voice for these kids! Here's how you can help:
1) Go to our team page, you can either register to walk (we'd love to have you!) or you can make a donation. Even if it is only $5, it adds up. Every little bit counts! Then share our link with friends and family.
2) Come grab dinner on September 26th at Bennigan's in Plymouth. Eat food and present this flyer, easy!
3) Read Donna's Cancer Story and Aiden's Story and share them. Yes they are sad and difficult at times to witness. But they aren't just about sickness and dying. They are about tiny heros who endured more than anyone should ever have to endure in a lifetime much less in 31 months and 8 months. They are about love and choosing hope.
4) If the above doesn't work for you then please just share our link for our team page. Share it on your facebook, and ask others to keep passing it along. It's free and easy.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Fight Like a Kid
We all know what the pink ribbon stands for, but do you know what the gold ribbon stands for?
Did you know Childhood Cancer is the number one killer of children by disease? 1 in every 330 children develop cancer before age 19 – it is NOT rare. Cancer kills more than 2,500 children every year and over 13,500 kids will be diagnosed with cancer in the next 365 days. The federal budget for the National Cancer Institute is $4.6 billion. Of that breast cancer receives 12%, prostate cancer 7%, yet ALL 12 MAJOR GROUPS of pediatric cancers COMBINED receive less than 3% of all funds.
With the start of September comes the official kick-start of fundraising for Donna’s Warriors and the St. Jude’s Give Thanks walk in November. Last year you helped us to exceed our goal. This year we raised our goal and with your help we hope to blow it away.
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| Donna (Photo courtesy of Joel Wanek) |
A cure starts with awareness and becomes a reality with funding. Can you fight like a kid?
Friday, August 31, 2012
Date Night - A Picture Safari
Yesterday Mark texted me while I was at work to let me know he was planning a date night for us. Of course I didn't want to know what it was, I love surprises! And of course I know it just kills him when I tell him I want to be surprised because he 'hates' surprises and can't keep the secret to save his soul. LOL
So when I got home from work we ate dinner, packed Camden up and headed down to Downtown Detroit to the River Walk. He had the whole thing planned. We would start out at the River Walk so Camden could play in the water. Then we headed over to Greektown to take our picture outside of the Casino in the exact spot we first met 3 1/2 years ago. Next stop was Astoria, our favorite bakery/pastry shop to pick out a few tasty treats. We finished our 'picture safari' at Comerica Park so we could take pictures of Camden with the huge tiger. He even parked our car in somewhat of a 'neutral location' so we could get a lot of walking in...I think we covered almost 4 miles on foot, taking pictures of various things all along the way.
He really planned this so perfectly, I could tell he really put a lot of thought into it. It was something Camden could participate in but sentimental and meaningful for us and he even fulfilled my request to go on a long walk after dinner. Sorry ladies, he's taken. ;)
It was a "cheap date" but I loved it and it was very much needed. Between our busy summer, two kids and busy work schedules we really haven't had much time for date nights. I am a firm believer in having date nights, it just helps to make us feel more connected as a couple.
Here are some pictures from our Picture Safari Date Night.
So when I got home from work we ate dinner, packed Camden up and headed down to Downtown Detroit to the River Walk. He had the whole thing planned. We would start out at the River Walk so Camden could play in the water. Then we headed over to Greektown to take our picture outside of the Casino in the exact spot we first met 3 1/2 years ago. Next stop was Astoria, our favorite bakery/pastry shop to pick out a few tasty treats. We finished our 'picture safari' at Comerica Park so we could take pictures of Camden with the huge tiger. He even parked our car in somewhat of a 'neutral location' so we could get a lot of walking in...I think we covered almost 4 miles on foot, taking pictures of various things all along the way.
He really planned this so perfectly, I could tell he really put a lot of thought into it. It was something Camden could participate in but sentimental and meaningful for us and he even fulfilled my request to go on a long walk after dinner. Sorry ladies, he's taken. ;)
It was a "cheap date" but I loved it and it was very much needed. Between our busy summer, two kids and busy work schedules we really haven't had much time for date nights. I am a firm believer in having date nights, it just helps to make us feel more connected as a couple.
Here are some pictures from our Picture Safari Date Night.
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| The very spot we met 3 1/2 years ago |
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| Gosh I look wrecked. But at least he looks good! |
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
A happy note
Today as I was refilling my water bottle it hit me - I am happy. I'm not just talking about on the surface happy. I am talking about feeling it in my soul and down to my bones kind of happy. Even sharing said happiness through social media kind of happy. I'm not bragging. I am just...well, happy.
After so many years of struggling to find my way through this life I feel things have finally started to fall into place. I am married to my best friend. He makes me laugh, he loves me for me. We love, we fight, we are playful and supportive. He works hard to support our family and advance his career. He is an amazing daddy. He makes me proud to be his wife. He is everything I have ever looked for and he is officially and legally stuck....umm, I mean, mine. ;)
God has blessed me with two awesome little boys. They're smart and amazing little people. They challenge me but they teach me. They brighten my day and melt my heart. They are amazing and I am so lucky I get to be their mommy.
I get to work with my best friend doing something I love. It isn't my primary job (yet!) but it will get there. This is something I have dreamed of doing for years and I feel like it is finally becoming a reality. We have been busy all summer long so far and enjoying every minute of it. If there was anyone I would want to be in business with, it is Alicia. We work hard but we have fun doing it. Working with your best friend doing something you love, could it get any better than that?
I am surrounded by amazing people in my life. I have friends and family I adore and admire. They inspire me and make me strive to be the best person I can be.
For reasons I don't understand I am blessed far beyond what I even deserve. I am happy.
After so many years of struggling to find my way through this life I feel things have finally started to fall into place. I am married to my best friend. He makes me laugh, he loves me for me. We love, we fight, we are playful and supportive. He works hard to support our family and advance his career. He is an amazing daddy. He makes me proud to be his wife. He is everything I have ever looked for and he is officially and legally stuck....umm, I mean, mine. ;)
God has blessed me with two awesome little boys. They're smart and amazing little people. They challenge me but they teach me. They brighten my day and melt my heart. They are amazing and I am so lucky I get to be their mommy.
I get to work with my best friend doing something I love. It isn't my primary job (yet!) but it will get there. This is something I have dreamed of doing for years and I feel like it is finally becoming a reality. We have been busy all summer long so far and enjoying every minute of it. If there was anyone I would want to be in business with, it is Alicia. We work hard but we have fun doing it. Working with your best friend doing something you love, could it get any better than that?
I am surrounded by amazing people in my life. I have friends and family I adore and admire. They inspire me and make me strive to be the best person I can be.
For reasons I don't understand I am blessed far beyond what I even deserve. I am happy.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
An angel gets her wings
There is a beautiful little girl I never had the pleasure of meeting. I only know of her through my best friend and sister in law Nikki and her fiance Matt, she is Matt's niece and her name is Hannah. She had blonde hair and blue eyes and the sweetest smile. She has the face of an angel.
Hannah faced many challenges as she was born with severe brain damage possibly caused by a prenatal stroke. Despite these challenges her parents found inspiration, creating Hannah's Hope. Their Mission - Helping Hannah Help Others. Read more of Hannah's story and about Hannah's Hope here: Hannah's Story.
On July 30th, this angel was given her wings - Hannah was suddenly and unexpectedly called home to Heaven. When Nikki emailed and told me I could feel the grief through her words on the screen. I may not have ever met her or known her personally but that didn't stop the tears from falling. For a second I felt a little silly, feeling like I was feeling grief that wasn't mine to feel. But regardless if I knew her or not, she was just a baby and I have a Mommy heart. I couldn't even begin to fathom what it is like to have to bury your child. My deepest prayers go out to the Martinez family.
Hannah's Obituary
You are probably wondering what my involvement is with this sweet girl if I never knew her personally. Well, here it is. Her story is inspiring and I want to help spread word of Hannah's Hope. It is such an amazing organization. Every dime donated provides:
Hannah faced many challenges as she was born with severe brain damage possibly caused by a prenatal stroke. Despite these challenges her parents found inspiration, creating Hannah's Hope. Their Mission - Helping Hannah Help Others. Read more of Hannah's story and about Hannah's Hope here: Hannah's Story.
On July 30th, this angel was given her wings - Hannah was suddenly and unexpectedly called home to Heaven. When Nikki emailed and told me I could feel the grief through her words on the screen. I may not have ever met her or known her personally but that didn't stop the tears from falling. For a second I felt a little silly, feeling like I was feeling grief that wasn't mine to feel. But regardless if I knew her or not, she was just a baby and I have a Mommy heart. I couldn't even begin to fathom what it is like to have to bury your child. My deepest prayers go out to the Martinez family.
Hannah's Obituary
You are probably wondering what my involvement is with this sweet girl if I never knew her personally. Well, here it is. Her story is inspiring and I want to help spread word of Hannah's Hope. It is such an amazing organization. Every dime donated provides:
- Monetary support for qualifying families in the Northwest Indiana First Steps program for therapies needed.
- Monetary support for families purchasing costly medical equipment (ie. Braces, wheelchairs, etc.)
- Dollars for organizations funding pediatric brain research
- Family gatherings for special needs children, their parents, and siblings, allowing them the opportunity to connect with other families.
- Hope to families knowing there is an organization that proves that families with special needs children are not alone.
To make a donation please click here: Hannah's Hope.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
A special day....
Today is July 31st. To some it's just the last day of the month, creeping towards August. To me, it is a special day.
8 years ago today at 11:18am, weighing in at 9lbs 2oz I welcomed a precious and beautiful baby boy into this world. From the first second I looked into those blue eyes my life was changed forever and he owned my heart.
Now here we are 8 years later, suddenly I'm the momma of a 3rd grader....WHAT?!?! He is smart (sometimes too smart for his own good) and sassy. I swear some of the things that come out of his mouth he sounds like a teenager. He's pretty witty sometimes, too. Let me tell you, Little Boy has jokes.
He knows how to challenge me. Sometimes I wonder if he is teaching me how to be a parent more than I am trying to parent him. It can really become quite the conflict. The funny thing is, the older he gets the more I realize he is just like me. It can be a sobering thought sometimes, depending on the situation. He might look just like his dad but his attitude and personality is definitely mine. Mostly. ;)
He has a big heart for a little boy. Every fundraiser at school that is donated to a charity he wants to participate in. I remember a few years ago he saw a commercial on TV from Tide, how they were accepting donations of new clothes and bedding for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. He immediately came to me wanting to donate something. And given my own love for charity work he makes this momma proud with that big heart of his.
He makes a wonderful big brother. Sure, they pick at each other and drive each other crazy but when it comes down to it he loves and adores his little brother, and Camden loves and adores his big brother. He will do whatever goofy antic he can just to make him laugh. Yesterday when I picked Parker up from his dad's he ran ahead to get in his seat and as soon as he opened the car door I hear "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" (high pitched yelling) from Camden, Parker quickly joining. As I got into the car they were both giggling. My mommy heart melted.
8 years ago today at 11:18am, weighing in at 9lbs 2oz I welcomed a precious and beautiful baby boy into this world. From the first second I looked into those blue eyes my life was changed forever and he owned my heart.
Now here we are 8 years later, suddenly I'm the momma of a 3rd grader....WHAT?!?! He is smart (sometimes too smart for his own good) and sassy. I swear some of the things that come out of his mouth he sounds like a teenager. He's pretty witty sometimes, too. Let me tell you, Little Boy has jokes.
He knows how to challenge me. Sometimes I wonder if he is teaching me how to be a parent more than I am trying to parent him. It can really become quite the conflict. The funny thing is, the older he gets the more I realize he is just like me. It can be a sobering thought sometimes, depending on the situation. He might look just like his dad but his attitude and personality is definitely mine. Mostly. ;)
He has a big heart for a little boy. Every fundraiser at school that is donated to a charity he wants to participate in. I remember a few years ago he saw a commercial on TV from Tide, how they were accepting donations of new clothes and bedding for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. He immediately came to me wanting to donate something. And given my own love for charity work he makes this momma proud with that big heart of his.
He makes a wonderful big brother. Sure, they pick at each other and drive each other crazy but when it comes down to it he loves and adores his little brother, and Camden loves and adores his big brother. He will do whatever goofy antic he can just to make him laugh. Yesterday when I picked Parker up from his dad's he ran ahead to get in his seat and as soon as he opened the car door I hear "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" (high pitched yelling) from Camden, Parker quickly joining. As I got into the car they were both giggling. My mommy heart melted.
So today, yes, it is a special day. Happy Birthday to my Parker Thomas...I love you to the moon and back!
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Almost 15 mos old....Look at those curls! |
Monday, July 23, 2012
A day with Bubbie
Yesterday Mark and I took Parker and my nephew Gabe to the Tiger's game. This was something we have had planned for at least 2 months so we were all really looking forward to it, though I think I was looking forward to it the most. See Gabe in the picture, wearing the blue hat? He was my first baby boy.
I met him, my brother and sister in law when Gabe was only 2-3 months old. The first time I saw him and held him I immediately fell in love. From that point on I would take Gabe for the weekends, drive up to Saginaw constantly just to see my new found family. I cannot tell you how many pictures I have of my holding Gabe, rocking him, feeding him, playing with him, napping and snuggling with him. We formed a bond. I was his Aunt Manna, he was my Bubbie.
Fast forward a few years and some changes in life later and I feel like I lost my relationship with them all on account of these changes significantly altering my brother. It saddened me...I lost my brother whom I always wanted a relationship with, my sister in law Amanda whom I had grown close to, my Bubbie and my beautiful niece Kadie who was still just a baby.
A couple of years after that Amanda reached out to me, AND despite everything she wanted to make sure I had a relationship with the kids. Our own relationship has begun to strengthen again as well. I'll never be able to thank her enough for this.
My Bubbie is now 11 years old and only 2-3 inches shorter than I am. He also proudly informed me he weighs 116lbs. He's so smart and loving, and seemed very at ease being with us without his mom close by.
So needless to say, to be given a day to hang with my Bubbie...I was thrilled beyond ecstatic. I think they had a pretty good time too, despite the heat.
As Amanda and I set a day where I can take Kadie to do something fun just her and I and the date was pushed into September due to busy schedules Gabe quickly said "I have to wait that long to see them again?!?" No worries Bubbie, we'll work something out. :)
Getting ready to leave Gabe gave me several hugs. Not just a quick little hug but a real squeeze, where he held on for a few seconds each time. Maybe he missed me as much as I missed him. Our bond might have been interrupted temporarily but it wasn't severed. I love that boy so.
Oh, and the game?? We won!! It was a sold out game as we swept the Chicago White Sox putting us up by 1.5 games in the American League Central. AND Miguel Cabrera hit his 300th homerun. We all high-fived each other with each run made. A successful day all the way around.
Friday, July 13, 2012
I'm an auntie (again)!!!!
July couldn't have possibly started off any better..... I became an auntie again!!
July 1st, 2012 at 4:36am my sister in law Billie and her husband Dave brought a beautiful baby girl into this world, Roxana Nicolette Howie.
We were able to hold her just a few hours old. It is always so amazing to me how something so small can hold so much power. She is so precious and just completely took us all by storm.
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| Melting Uncle Mark's heart already |
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| Daddy and his girls |
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I am smitten <3
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| 7/3/12 |
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| This picture was taken 7/11/12. Look how much she has changed already! |
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| Parker just loves babies. After holding her he told me he wants a baby sister |
I am one proud and blessed auntie!
Friday, July 6, 2012
A day full of love and promise
Wedding season is officially in full swing! Alicia and I have been working together quite a bit, we are currently in the middle of a wedding every Saturday, 4 Saturdays in a row. It doesn't even feel like work, we have so much fun doing it and I find myself looking forward to each one.
June 30th was the wedding of Tyrone and Yoronda, what a sweet couple! Yoronda was a stunning bride, Tyrone was the dapper groom in his ivory tux. As Yoronda made her way down the aisle Tyrone broke down crying. This couple is just so full of love for each other.
One of my favorite parts of the reception was the Mother/Daughter dance. No, this isn't a typo. Because Yoronda's father had passed away she did a Mother/Daughter dance. You could tell upon first meeting these ladies what a strong bond they have.
The rest of the evening was packed with fun and a lot of dancing, including a dance by the groom and his fellow fraternity brothers from college - it reminded me of a scene from the movie Drum Line. I've never been a part of anything like that so it was pretty fun to watch. :)
Sending many blessings to the happy couple! I know they will have a long and beautiful life together!
June 30th was the wedding of Tyrone and Yoronda, what a sweet couple! Yoronda was a stunning bride, Tyrone was the dapper groom in his ivory tux. As Yoronda made her way down the aisle Tyrone broke down crying. This couple is just so full of love for each other.
One of my favorite parts of the reception was the Mother/Daughter dance. No, this isn't a typo. Because Yoronda's father had passed away she did a Mother/Daughter dance. You could tell upon first meeting these ladies what a strong bond they have.
The rest of the evening was packed with fun and a lot of dancing, including a dance by the groom and his fellow fraternity brothers from college - it reminded me of a scene from the movie Drum Line. I've never been a part of anything like that so it was pretty fun to watch. :)
Sending many blessings to the happy couple! I know they will have a long and beautiful life together!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
A Celebration
June 23rd, 2012 was a clear blue sunny day, low 80's, about as perfect of a Michigan summer day as they get. Under a big white tent surrounded by white lights Mark and I celebrated our marriage. It was small but we were surrounded by those closest to us and therefore, it couldn't have been more perfect. Here are some pictures from the evening.
More pictures will come, I just have to stop being lazy and get them downloaded onto the computer!
We truly had an amazing time. We are so thankful and blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful family and friends.
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| I love this man so much |
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| Some of my in-laws. I love them so much! |
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| Dancin' with my daddy |
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| My sister in law and best friend Nikki |
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| Mark and I with his mom |
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| Mark dancing with his mom. I don't think there was a dry eye in the tent. |
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| Oh how I love this family! Sister in law and best friend Billie, her hubby Dave and daughter Sadie and Baby Howie due any day now! |
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| Cessli and I...love this girl! |
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| Natalie, Cessli, Bre and Kayti... love these girls! |
We truly had an amazing time. We are so thankful and blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful family and friends.
Monday, June 18, 2012
An Ode to our Ms. Jen
I used to work in a daycare center when I was 19 for 2 1/2 years. After witnessing some "behind the scenes" things I left that job vowing I would never put my kids in daycare. Granted, it was nothing major but it was things I knew I wanted better for my kids.
Now as a mom of 2 I have been doing the daycare thing for 7 years. To lessen the trauma of daycare I have always looked within in-home daycare environments. Smaller groups, more one on one, usually less expensive - better care in my book.
Putting your kids in daycare is tough. It is finding someone you trust with the most precious thing you have. To me, it is finding someone with similar parenting styles and values as us because essentially they are co-parents. It isn't an easy task. The very first in-home daycare person I used when Parker was an infant was a terrible experience. But I didn't shy away. I knew there had to be someone out there that would be a perfect match.
For 3 years now we have been going to Ms. Jen. And let me tell you...we couldn't be happier. She is as perfect as a perfect match can possibly get. She is flexible, affordable, compassionate, patient, thoughtful, kind-hearted AND we attend the same church she has been going to all her life. BONUS!!
She is always doing things trying to perfect her business, even though she already does a fantastic job. She maintains a consistent routine but just flexible enough to accommodate the very young ages in her care. She provides a loving environment, and has the kids engaged and learning, too. That Ms. Jen, she is one amazing chick.
During school if one of us can't pick Parker up from school we can put him on the bus and her husband will grab him from the bus stop. When we went to Jamaica, she actually kept Camden for us. Placing him in her safe, loving and more than capable care, it was so nice to not have to worry for a single second if he was ok. She really just goes above and beyond the call of duty.
So Jen...if you read this, I hope you know how much we truly value and appreciate you and Aaron and everything you have done for us and our boys. You are more than just our 'daycare lady', you are a part of our family. We are so lucky and blessed to have you!
Now as a mom of 2 I have been doing the daycare thing for 7 years. To lessen the trauma of daycare I have always looked within in-home daycare environments. Smaller groups, more one on one, usually less expensive - better care in my book.
Putting your kids in daycare is tough. It is finding someone you trust with the most precious thing you have. To me, it is finding someone with similar parenting styles and values as us because essentially they are co-parents. It isn't an easy task. The very first in-home daycare person I used when Parker was an infant was a terrible experience. But I didn't shy away. I knew there had to be someone out there that would be a perfect match.
For 3 years now we have been going to Ms. Jen. And let me tell you...we couldn't be happier. She is as perfect as a perfect match can possibly get. She is flexible, affordable, compassionate, patient, thoughtful, kind-hearted AND we attend the same church she has been going to all her life. BONUS!!
She is always doing things trying to perfect her business, even though she already does a fantastic job. She maintains a consistent routine but just flexible enough to accommodate the very young ages in her care. She provides a loving environment, and has the kids engaged and learning, too. That Ms. Jen, she is one amazing chick.
During school if one of us can't pick Parker up from school we can put him on the bus and her husband will grab him from the bus stop. When we went to Jamaica, she actually kept Camden for us. Placing him in her safe, loving and more than capable care, it was so nice to not have to worry for a single second if he was ok. She really just goes above and beyond the call of duty.
So Jen...if you read this, I hope you know how much we truly value and appreciate you and Aaron and everything you have done for us and our boys. You are more than just our 'daycare lady', you are a part of our family. We are so lucky and blessed to have you!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
The Anniversary Dance
This past Saturday I helped my best friend do photography for a wedding. I absolutely LOVE working with her. It is very hard work but it never actually feels like work because we always just have fun with it.
I think my favorite part of this wedding was at the reception. When the bridal dances were done the bride and groom had pre-requested an Anniversary Dance. This is where all the married couples go out to the dance floor and the DJ calls various lengths of time. Whoever has been married that long sits down (or in this case, surrounds the dance floor), always starting with 24 hours or less (for the bride and groom) and working the way up until only one couple is left.
As Alicia and I ran around trying to make sure we got pictures of each couple on the floor I paid closer attention to each couple. Whether they had been married for 2 years or 20 it was so refreshing to still see the love they had for their spouse in their faces.
The DJ made it all the way up to 62 years of marriage....WOW!!! The couple who had been married this long was a sweet little old couple. One of them walked with a walker but this didn't stop them from getting on that dance floor for this special dance. They stood with the walker between them, still swaying to the music. My heart truly melted.
Another couple was actually celebrating their 50th anniversary that very day. The DJ played the song they danced to for their first dance 50 years ago. I had to blink hard and fast to keep the tears from spilling over.
I have seen the Anniversary Dance done at receptions before but this time it really struck me. I think because of my own marriage and how much love Mark and I have for each other.
In my opinion this was such a beautiful thing to witness. The ceremony itself was beautiful but this.....this display of marriages with years of love and faith was truly something. They still held each other close, head to head or her head on his chest or shoulder.
My heart is truly happy and I look forward to having many Anniversary Dances with my husband.
I think my favorite part of this wedding was at the reception. When the bridal dances were done the bride and groom had pre-requested an Anniversary Dance. This is where all the married couples go out to the dance floor and the DJ calls various lengths of time. Whoever has been married that long sits down (or in this case, surrounds the dance floor), always starting with 24 hours or less (for the bride and groom) and working the way up until only one couple is left.
As Alicia and I ran around trying to make sure we got pictures of each couple on the floor I paid closer attention to each couple. Whether they had been married for 2 years or 20 it was so refreshing to still see the love they had for their spouse in their faces.
The DJ made it all the way up to 62 years of marriage....WOW!!! The couple who had been married this long was a sweet little old couple. One of them walked with a walker but this didn't stop them from getting on that dance floor for this special dance. They stood with the walker between them, still swaying to the music. My heart truly melted.
Another couple was actually celebrating their 50th anniversary that very day. The DJ played the song they danced to for their first dance 50 years ago. I had to blink hard and fast to keep the tears from spilling over.
I have seen the Anniversary Dance done at receptions before but this time it really struck me. I think because of my own marriage and how much love Mark and I have for each other.
In my opinion this was such a beautiful thing to witness. The ceremony itself was beautiful but this.....this display of marriages with years of love and faith was truly something. They still held each other close, head to head or her head on his chest or shoulder.
My heart is truly happy and I look forward to having many Anniversary Dances with my husband.
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