My Papa has always been strong, handsome, full of life and energy. He is old fashioned and it's kind of the joke with my sister and I whenever we do something we know he wouldn't approve of (ie, cohabitate with a boyfriend) we tell our Barbara Jean and she breaks the news to him. I've always lived my life fearful of disappointing him. I know I've been a disappointment, with never finishing college and then going through divorce. I will never forget what he said to me when he found out and saw me for the first time with my 'baby bump'. Even though I was more than ok with being pregnant "out of wedlock", I think me getting pregnant was the icing on the disappointment cake I have already been building. Thank God my Papa is a forgiving man, and he just loves Camden so much, I see it in his face when he looks at him.
He's been through so much over the years...prostate cancer, skin cancer (I don't even know how many times), etc and he never let it slow him down, or at least not for long anyways. But several years ago he was diagnosed with Laryngeal cancer and it is this that has been draining him. A couple of years ago (this month, actually) he had surgery to have his larynx removed and a prosthetic put in its place. Each year that passes he seems to have more and more bad days than good. So having another birthday is truly cause to celebrate.
I haven't exactly been the best granddaughter. Aside from the numerous times I have disappointed him but also my visits to Saginaw have been rather infrequent to say the least. I love my grandparents dearly and I fear the day we lose them. I hate having to watch my Papa go from an energetic person to being so sickly now; thin, in pain and frustrated because it seems most days his prosthetic doesn't work. I feel like I don't want this to be my final memories of him. But this isn't an excuse and I just need to get up there more to see them. I never want to look back and think "We should have visited more."
No comments:
Post a Comment