A starving soul

Last Saturday was a particularly rough day for me.  I spent the night before practically begging M to stay home from work with me.  I promised to find a sitter so we could spend the day together just doing whatever.  I just couldn't bear the thought of him being gone for 24 hours, fighting with anxiety from wondering what he's doing.  Stupid, I know.  He told me in the nicest way he knew how he couldn't call off.  It's Christmas time, it was 24 hours of OT, he had to go.  I know this...he has to work.  I have to learn to relax.

Relaxing isn't so easy to do when you feel like your nerves are already wound so tight they are almost to the breaking point, then add two kids who for the life of them can't seem to leave each other alone.  I felt like I was in a constant battle of them picking on each other, the 2 year old constantly screaming (as that seems to be his primary form of communication for every situation) then the 8 year old pushing and pushing until the 2 year old retaliates by hitting, kicking or biting then the 8 year old crying and tattling.  ALL. DAY. LONG.  I had plans for the day with them, things to keep them and me busy that didn't include TV or video games and didn't include me feeling like I was going out of my mind.  Instead I spent the day breaking them up, yelling and going out of my mind.  By the time they were in bed and I was free to go myself I was too exhausted to even fall asleep.  No good.

Sunday morning came and after what I felt was the longest 24 hours of my life M was home.  The kids respond better to him.  We made breakfast together and ate together as a family.  This actually happens often on Sundays for us. And despite my breakdowns from the day before M was so patient and loving to me. 

After breakfast I got in the shower to start getting ready for church.  I stood there for a few minutes, hot water washing over me, still exhausted from the disaster of the day before.  I looked down at the drain and though "Please just melt me and wash me down the drain.  I'm just no good anyways."  My request went unanswered so I finished up and got out to finish getting ready.

Getting the kids ready for church went relatively smooth.  Parenting is definitely easier when both parents are involved.  They know not to mess with mom when DAD is around.  I wish I knew why this is. 

After dropping the kids off in their respective rooms we find seats and get ready for the service to begin.  In front of us sat an older couple, I'm guessing in their 70's or 80's.  The gentleman promptly shook our hands introducing himself and his wife to us and asking if this was our first time.  "No," we say, "it's just been awhile since we've been able to come." We chatted until the songs started, him showing us pictures of their family when they were a young family, and a picture of him and his wife when they were younger.  The pictures were black and white and faded and well loved.  You could see him radiating with pride.  M looked at me and said "that'll be us in 40 years."  God I hope so.  I can't imagine ever being with anyone else.

As the lead singer started with opening prayer M grabbed my hand, put his forehead to mine and started praying aloud.  I won't say what he prayed for because it's a bit personal but I will say the tears fell freely from my eyes.  I will hold his prayer in my heart forever.  He looked up, wiped my tears and asked why I was crying.  I couldn't answer.  He just held me close and said "Please don't cry, baby... I love you so much."  I managed to tell him I love him too.

The rest of the service was great and of course more tears from me (it's kind of just how I roll these days, emotions all over the place).  I felt like the message was specific for us.  It felt so good to be in church it made me hang my head in shame.  It's been a long time since we've been able to attend.  The shame comes from not even having any good excuses as to why.  Being there on Sunday made me realize my soul was starving, and made me crave going back to feed it more. With a really good service and the prayers spoken by my husband, I felt like I was handed a lifeline to hold when I'm having down days.

The rest of the day was spent together as a family at Bronner's, visiting Santa and picking out ornaments for our tree.  It was nice, and for the first time in awhile I felt like some of the fog had cleared.  This fog sucks.  It weighs me down makes me not able to see clearly.  I hope to have more days like this to make it clear more and more until there is no more fog.