A struggle

The last several weeks have been filled with struggles for me.  So much so I couldn't even finish my 30 Days of Thankfulness.  I know I have plenty of things to be thankful for but I just became so consumed by the things I wish I didn't have to deal with everything else started to dim in comparison.

The 3 weeks my husband was gone in New York doing Super Storm Sandy rescues were difficult for me to deal with.  Yes I was working full time, taking care of two kids, two animals and our home.  It was a lot at times but honestly not as big a deal as it seems.  All of that was nothing compared to the frequent lack of communication due to downed cell phone towers and how much I just missed him and worried about his safety.  I had a great support system of friends but it wasn't the same as having my husband home with me.

The distance caused tension.  My sadness over his absence was misinterpreted.  It caused arguments, causing the pain I felt to grow.  More often than not I would lay in bed and cry.  I've never been one for suicide, I've had too many experiences with it.  But I sure did talk to God and tell him I was good with being pulled from the earth now.  One of the other struggles I was coping with was my purpose in this world.  I started feeling pretty broken.  I'm not doing anyone any good like this, so what's the point?
I thought I have dealt with depression before.  But once you start asking God for an 'early dismissal' you realize what you went through was nothing...this is the real deal.

When I received the call Mark was coming home I felt things lift.  I thought for sure my sadness was directly and solely linked to him being gone and everything would go back to normal once he was home.

It only took a couple of weeks of having him back home before I realized that wasn't the case.  Secrets were discovered that rocked my world...and not in the way one wants their world rocked.  Everything felt upside down and inside out.

I debated for a long time writing a blog post about what is happening.  I'm not comfortable with just freely airing our personal "dirty laundry" for the internet world to read, but I need an outlet of sorts.  To do this on 'common ground' I am not going to share these posts.  I will also leave out the details, it is still just too personal.  Maybe some day that won't be the case. 

The last week has been very difficult.  Some days are better than others.  I have a lot of questions I may not ever get answers to.  At this point I need to accept that and just move on.  I'm working on me, he is working him and we are working on rediscovering each other.  We are going to do counseling through our church and focus on putting more faith, trust and our marriage in God.  Our foundation may have crumbled but we are going to piece it back together with God's help, making it stronger.

Things have been tough and the pain is deep, but it is fixable. I know we will get through it, and come out stronger in the end.  He is my soul mate, the one I am meant to be with forever.  I'm not willing to just give up and throw that away.