Since last Wednesday I started feeling like I was feeling a little better. Not 100% but definitely an improvement from the last several weeks. I even mentioned to M it was the best I've felt in at least 6 weeks.
Today I feel like I was knocked back down again.
It doesn't seem to take much anymore. Today it as simple as a co-worker trash talking me to another co-worker and adding my boss to an email string questioning me on how I do my job. Or as she was insinuating, how I DON'T do my job. This has been happening a lot lately, various co-workers going to my boss complaining about me. As a matter of fact, this is the third Monday in a row this has happened.
I feel this is just one more thing to add to my ever growing list of things I have failed or disappointed someone.
My mother, whom I barely acknowledge as my mother anymore since I cut all ties with her last year. Especially since my parents' divorce she never saw me as anything other than someone to blame for everything that has gone wrong in her life. I even remember her being angry with me over something, grabbing me by the shirt and yelling into my face she should have had me aborted when she had the chance.
The rest of my family, for never finishing college, getting divorced and having a baby out of wedlock or whatever other transgressions I have made through life. It's hard to ignore the disappointment in their eyes. I am the black sheep of the family, the one no one thinks to call when something happens.
My ex, J. I could never seem to be smart enough, social enough, make enough money, thin enough, whatever.
M - He at least doesn't say things to me like J did. He has told me numerous time I am beautiful, or that he loves my body or that I'm smart. But I can't help but to go back to the three weeks he was gone in New York, yelling at me on the phone in front of co-workers, telling co-workers I was being shitty to him while he was gone, telling someone 'she's just insecure', trying to make himself feel better for doing something behind my back I had already asked him to stop doing.
To him I let small things ruin my day. I am supposed to tell him I am going to work on changing my mood instead of letting it consume me and 'ruining our evening', I need to just let things go.
How do you do that? I have years of things happening, one failure after another. I've had years of various people telling me I'm not good enough, years of trying to do things right and make people happy and live up to their expectations. Each time I just couldn't cut it. Every time I fall short. And the more you hear how shitty you are or add one more failure to your already long list of failures, it's pretty damn hard to not think there is something wrong with you. It's damn hard to not feel like the piece of shit disappointing failure.
It's hard. There's no one to talk to and I don't want to be a burden. Everyone is busy with their own lives anyways. I used to be able to sort this stuff out myself. I used to think I could give fairly decent advice. But now there is just too much and I can no longer sort it out.
I feel fucked up in the head. I feel like my 'mother'. I don't want to be like her, talked about being fucked up in the head. And now I'm sitting here wondering if the apple didn't fall far from the tree. It's scary to me, because I loathe her so much. I have tried so hard to not be like her. My closest friends tell me I'm not. I think they tell me that because they know I can't bear to hear that I am, they know how much I despise any kind of comparison of myself to her. I think they're hearts are in the right place by telling me that, trying to make me feel better. But I know better.
My sister told me once I am 'more like her than I realize.' She didn't mean it to be mean or hurtful. But it still cut pretty deep. The words have stuck with me, ringing louder and louder every time I try to talk about how I am feeling. Maybe if I stop talking it'll stop making it true. I don't want to talk anymore.
I don't know how to not be a failure, or a disappointment.
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